Random thoughts

Today, I understand how it feels to be lonely in the midst of a crowd… People all around you, chaos all over... but you fail to identify those voices that really matter to you... you go behind the voices that everyone hears, but the ones that really care for you are far behind... what the heck, there might not even be a voice at all...

and this is the toughest part - to identify those who love you. Spend time with them, love them, care for them. In the long run, you'll be happy for yourself. After all, you didn't waste time on people for whom you were just another guy. What an idiot I was...
These kinda things do happen to me quite often, and they do hurt a lot. But over the last couple of years I'd imagined myself to have gotten over it. What a folly!!

maybe better times lie ahead ;)

I hope so...

Happy New Year!

Belated New Year wishes, amigos...
I heard Jan 12th is an auspicious day to start blogging for the year! He he, a bad one, I know...but it reflects what kind of a mood i'm in right now...
Something's bugging me these days.....is it my terrible CAT result?? Or fear of being exported to onsite in a few months (FY kind I, i know almost close to nothing about my project)?? Well, whatever it may be, i can't seem to concentrate on anything these days. Studies.....huh.....wasn't I supposed to do it before the exams? And now sitting here and repenting, u duffer??!!(that's me to myself ...$$%#)
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Tomorrow's FMS...and know what? I haven't put in an iota of preparation into it. how brave!! hmm....let's see if FMS deserves me(what's that supposed to mean?? i don't give a damn whatever it does)
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Australian Open starts day after tomorrow...

Amen.
Current mood: Annoyed :@

An ode to my best friend...

Only when my mother told me at the temple that he may not have many more days left did I come to know of the gravity of the situation. I was home for Onam, and had 3 days at my will before I returned to Mangalore. Yes, he had been ill for quite some time, but it was not so bad...

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He was only three months old when I first met him. Hardly a foot and a half tall and barely touching my knees if he stood up. As time passed by, we spent a lot of time together, played with each other, teased each other and became the best of friends. He preferred to spend as much time with me as possible, so did I. But my time constraints wouldn't let me be with him all the while. After school hours, I'd rush home to meet him, and he'd be all the more happy to meet me. I remember that joyous naughty look on his face whenever he saw me. He'd start jumping and would run all around me waiting for me to start the police-and-thief game. And I was happy to oblige.

If there was one thing he wasn't happy about, it was taking a shower. I literally had to drag him into it. And he hated being confined to his little room. When let free, he would wander in the courtyard, and slowly sneak into the kitchen, get his share of snacks from mom (and later from me too), and then go back to his usual place - the left corner of our sit-out. If he wanted something, I could tell by looking at his eyes.

Months and years passed by. My studies kept me busy, and unknowingly the time that we spent together began to dwindle. I didn't notice how much this affected him though.My selfish nature! When he wanted my presence, I had a hundred and one reasons to be 'busy' and if I wanted someone to listen to my grievances, I just wanted him to be there. And indeed he was there always. Happy to just be by my side and silently listen to all nonsense I would say...All the while, I failed to realize that my best friend had really matured, and was perfectly suave in his demeanor. My mom will concur with me on this. There is not one instance I can remember when he had to be rebuked to do something. Such was his obedience, such was his love!!

And here I am today, realizing what I'll be missing next time I go home. All these years, I've been used to seeing him before I even see my parents or grandparents. The slightest of sounds from me and he'd wake up and come to me so eagerly...

Groono was 9 1/2 years old when he passed away. I hate to talk of him as a dog - to me, he was my companion, my best friend. How much I loved him, how badly I miss him, only I know. And how much he gave me in return, unconditionally.....I'm speechless.

The first time I was homesick after entering engineering college, it was not because I missed my parents. It was becaue I missed Groono. I don't know if he had any last wish. Maybe he just wanted to be with me. And I couldn't do that...I had to return to my job, leaving Groono in His hands. His time had come. Maybe God intended to show me what true love is. I now know...

A final dose of sedation on the 29th of August, 2007 and Groono breathed his last...
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I was inconsolable on the day I found out that the time had come for Groono to say good-bye. My whole family was in tears. All efforts by my parents to convince me about things like a dog's lifespan, or how he'd have to suffer if he were to live longer were in vain...I couldn't bear the thought of not having him...He had always been there. How can he not be from tomorrow?

But such is life...When you start feeling comfortable about something, it just springs at you a surprise that is sure to give you quite a jolt. I'm no philosopher myself. But things like these make me think of the fleeting marvel that is life. Every second that you are alive, you are missing a very important moment to let your loved ones know that you care for them. Maybe it doesn't matter to them whether you do or do not. But when you think back, you'll know they knew about your feelings.

I miss you Groono...

A weekend in Mangalore

Oh my God.....Federer loses to Canas again!! Losing once was bad enough, for it was me who had to endure what the Indian cricket team in currently going through!! No no, don't mistake me...I will still stand by him, even if he were to win not one more Grand Slam in his entire career. Luckily, Justine Henin progresses to the final, awaiting her old foe, Serena Williams.

Though I can't seem to imagine waking up before 7 am these days, today - a Sunday(!!), I woke up at 6:40 am (!!) and almost mechanically, walked up to the TV, gave the remote a few whacks (weak batteries) and switched it on...hoping to relish an exquisite battle. For those who've seen the 2003 Roland Garros semifinal, take my word - this was a must watch, and I was expecting to be able to enjoy it on TV.

Unfortunately, there was no tennis, and I went back to bed...later came to know that after a dismal first set, Serena bounced back and took away the championship!! The news almost spoiled my day, but Serena's a true champion, and I admire her too...

Yesterday was good. I went in Pursuit of Happyness (sorry for that, hehe)...and I must confess, the movie really moved me. And inspired me too...

And then went straight to a music showroom and bought a Guitar!! Currently in search of a tutor who can teach me how to play...

Current music: Vellaipookkal (Kannathil Muthamittal - sung by A R Rahman)

Help!!!

Quite some time since i scribbled something. It's been 80 long days since my last blog, to be exact!!
No excuses..am too lazy to even mumble a few alibis.
Things are terrible these days, and I can't bear to imagine the levels I've allowed myself a degradation to! Doing absolutely nothing - Not loving what I do, nor even making an attempt to do what I love. Whatever, I won't be able to forgive myself for the severe indecisiveness and incompetence I've been displaying...probably, all my life.
As Jean-Paul Sartre said, "Anything, anything would be better than this agony of mind, this creeping pain that gnaws and fumbles and caresses one and never hurts quite enough".

Or maybe, as my mom always says, this too will pass. The sands of time may bury this grief of mine, as well...

Current mood: Depressed :-(

New Year Resolution

New Year resolutions have always been alien to me. Apart from making some silly resolutions like “I won’t eat Horlicks today when mother is asleep”, or “I will write a letter to Ammoomma and Appooppan every month” when I was around 7 or 8 years old, I can’t quite recollect if I’ve ever made a resolution. Come the end of a year, TV channels start buzzing with celebrities’ New Year Resolutions, how they are going to reduce the length of their costumes further, or how they are going to find their new “love”, or God knows what else!!! I wonder who on earth has time to care for such crap…I don’t.

As far as I can call up memories, all the New Years, save a couple of them have found me slumbering away in a corner of the sofa in our drawing room, the inevitable denouement of waiting, and waiting, and waiting for the hands of the clock to click in unison at midnight!! Isn’t it an irony that whenever you try to keep sleep away, it comes back at you so strongly you get the feeling that never before have you felt so sleepy in your whole life, and when you want to get some sweet sleep after a hectic day, it eludes you like a butterfly that is being chased by a child?? Anyways, this year, it wasn’t to be so. In fact, it seems so wonderful that I greeted 2007, listening to “Humma Humma” from Bombay, created by the one-and-only A R Rahman!!! And I noticed that a new year had dawned only at five minutes past midnight. I was also deeply engrossed in a book at the same time. The book was “Life of Pi” by Yann Martel.

I wasn’t interested in the programs that followed on TV. And I was getting drowsy too. So I folded the book and went to bed. Once I put myself to bed, it was a different story. Just a moment before, I was feeling so lethargic. My eyes were drooping. My head nearly hit the floor from the “Ananthashayanam” posture I was hanging on to while watching the TV. My roommate’s call to get up from the floor and go to bed was responded to only after (I think) at least 5 futile attempts. But what happened now? I knew what it was. It was because I was hungry!!! But there was nothing in the house, apart from 20 litres of Bisleri water. After satisfying my hunger with almost half a litre of water (my first meal of 2007), I again tried to get some sleep.

Getting up early is something I love to practise, but never do. I can remember waking up to Yesudas rendering “Vathapi Ganapathi” in the wee hours of the day when I was a high school student, preparing for his exams. It continued till my Pre-Degree exams. Even when I was a little kid, I loved the idea of waking up early. And I used to, when I visited my grandparents every year during my summer vacation. I would wake up when Ammoomma would come to my bed and call me and ask if I wanted to see the cow being milked. Not a word more was necessary. I loved cows. I would already be near the cow-shed, looking with awe at how milk oozed from the cow’s udder, and listening to the tingling sound produced when milk fell into the stainless steel containers. Shortly, Appooppan would untie the cow from the shed and the calf would start frolicking in the backyard, after having its due share of its mother’s milk. I used to run along with it. The mother cow was pleased to see “two calves” running around, so I thought then.

But once I entered the hallowed campus of REC, now known as NIT, the whole idea of the early bird transformed itself into the night watchman; I mean “night-outs”. Forget about sleeping and getting up at 4/4:30/whenever on the eve of the exam. The question was whether you could afford the luxury of sleeping away 5 or 6 precious hours, which could prove crucial to your future (Placements!!!). All these, thanks to snoring on the last bench for a majority of the class hours and playing “Cows n Bulls” the rest of the time, while I was awake. However, things changed again after landing a software job. It didn’t require waking up early. In fact, staying up late became imperative due to the assignments (during my “heavenly training” in Mysore) and work related issues thence. Waking up at 8 or 8:30 became a routine exercise.

I suddenly realized that I could reverse this trend. What better time than New Year to start doing things better!! And if it was necessary to give this thought a name, why not make it my first New Year resolution ever??I checked the time on my mobile. It read 00:45. I had spent almost three quarters of an hour thinking!!! I set the alarm to wake me up at 5:30 and dozed off.

A call from home brought me alive the next morning. After completing the call, I checked the time. It was 8:52………My first resolution!!!

Finally......my own blog

At last, a blog of my own!!!!!!!!

If you had asked me about my prospects of blogging a couple of years back, I would've given you one of those looks which would never make you come back to me again with the same question. In fact, I could never imagine myself writing about anything, be it something that I'm passionate about like Roger Federer completing a Wimbledon-US Open double for three consecutive years or A.R.Rahman coming out with a classic or about things I don't give a damn about, like a mammoth celestial body speeding its way to wipe out all forms of life from the earth (seriously, I recently came across a piece of news that validated this and even went to the extent of declaring the day on which the asteroid's going to hit earth a holiday!!!!)... Not that I've lots of stuff to write about now, but over the years, things have changed, the biggest change of them all being my inexplicable urge to start scribbling something!!!

Now that I've made the first step towards this, where do I start from? I'd like to know how and why these famous writers think what they think, how they come up with such profound characters or plots and why isn't everyone who writes able to come out with such stuff? Beats me!!! But isn't it a nice feeling to do what you love to, rather than loving what you are forced to do? I'd never want to imagine Shakespear being coerced into bringing to life "Hamlet", or Einstein being prodded to emerge with the "Theory of Relativity"!!!! Never.

Having been forced to procure material in a production line for a few months, and write codes to serve someone on the other side of the globe, whom I've never seen (and in all probability will never see) for the next few months, I wonder if I'll ever be contented with what I'm doing. From wanting to be an astronaut in my childhood, a tennis player and a doctor (?!!!) during my early teens, a singer during my college days, and looking at where I'm now, I've no other thing to do than to smile vaguely at where life has brought me today.... And mine is not a singular case. I've seen many who just "get on with it" because that's what everyone else is doing!! You tend to get into the flow called life and then scramble to reach a shore and make your mark, lest it may be too late...

But at the end of the day, what have you earned? Have you done what you wanted to do in life, leave alone what others wanted you to do? Are you satisfied? Have you accomplished all that you dreamt of? All that you yearned for? Isn't there a feeling of having missed something in your life? Something that you could have done (and did not) and would have made a world of difference to you? Reminds me off a caption "Life's calling, where are you?" (here though, it translates to "Life's tired of calling, where were you?")...

Let's see, tomorrow is yet another day....To be able to live one's dream, my friend, is as much a matter of courage and will power, as it is of destiny....